Two Assholes and a Mic
Two Assholes and a Mic
S2E10 - Inside My Ass in the Parking Lot
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In S2E10, we bounce from storm weather and tornado watches into dog drama, parking lot stupidity, eyebrow waxing, government surveillance, and the usual completely normal turns our conversations take. We get into Slinky escaping the gate, whether backing into a parking spot needs a blinker, random news and AI rabbit holes, dog breeds, and the kind of off-the-rails back-and-forth that somehow keeps the whole thing moving. It’s chaotic, funny, and very much us.
Welcome back, shitheads, to another episode of Two Assholes and a Mike. I'm Ian.
SPEAKER_03And this is Robbie. And we are. We are two assholes in a mic.
SPEAKER_00That we are. Both of us.
SPEAKER_03Both of us. Did I say it right though, Tyler?
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_03What was I saying before again? Now I got myself all fucking confused.
SPEAKER_02I think you were saying. And we're both two assholes on a mic, so I mean I guess it's technically. Yeah, I mean, technically it's in there.
SPEAKER_03Dummy. I'm gonna have to look at it again. I have to look at it again now, make sure we do it right. Fucking Slinky got in trouble this morning.
SPEAKER_02What did he do? Was he in his bunch of shit?
SPEAKER_03He got outside the gate. I he was only outside for like 15 minutes, and I came outside to go to take Autumn to school. And fucking Slinky was outside the gate and he squeezed up and under, and then I took him to his kennel and he sat there for two hours before I let him back out. Damn. See if he learns.
SPEAKER_02Was he like just how how far down the street did he go? Or was he just outside?
SPEAKER_03He wasn't. He's just digging in the hole. But you know, a car could come and you know he's not paying attention because he's sniffing around and stuff and get hit by a car, you know. That's what I'm and we've got coyotes and and shit like that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I don't want that.
SPEAKER_03So no, that's what probably got not slinky. Shifu? Chifu. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Nah, he's out on his own adventure right now.
SPEAKER_03Yes, I know. That's what he's doing. He just used me for a year and then he fucking bounced. What a delightful shit ass.
SPEAKER_00I need a place to rest. Regain my stamina.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, he had to get his eyes fixed because I was putting drops in his eyes every day. Oh, yeah. Fucking fed him. Yeah, he got dewormed, he got fucking all the flea and tick medications. He's all charged up for a while and then he bounced.
SPEAKER_02Wouldn't that be some shit if he just showed back up?
SPEAKER_03Dude, I'd be excited. Because then he could teach Slinky how to kill things. But he could also teach Slinky how to get out easier.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Which would not be good because he's already getting out.
SPEAKER_02You go down to the end of the fence, the third post down, and three links after the third post. Dig under.
SPEAKER_03There it is. Bitch. I thought you were talking about the internet at first. I was like, what posts?
SPEAKER_02No. No, no, no.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, idiot. Got my eyebrows waxed last night too. Or yesterday morning. Yeah, along with my beard died.
SPEAKER_02How did that feel? I didn't Oh, you got them waxed like Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So they're all shaped nice. Right here in the center. She shaped them. You know, that's that's the one that hurt right there. She pulled it, I was like, ooh, that was a good one.
SPEAKER_02You said the other day that you were getting your eyeballs waxed off. No, no, no, and I I thought you said you were getting them waxed off.
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_02But I thought I was like, well, maybe he just meant he's getting them waxed. Like he's just getting waxed.
SPEAKER_03Edged. Edged.
SPEAKER_02Edged. Edged.
SPEAKER_00But, you know, whatever.
SPEAKER_03No, they look good. They look all shaped and nice. I didn't manage to get in to get my hair cut because I had to cancel on the ninth because I'm not going to be here. And she had no openings, so fucking had to cancel. I don't know if I already talked about that. I don't think so. No, that makes me makes me sad. Now I have to cut my own hair tonight. Boo. Yeah, boo.
SPEAKER_02Talking about your talking about your beard or shaving your head.
SPEAKER_03My head. I'm not gonna I'm not touching my beard for well, I'm gonna let her do the dusting next month.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And then that's it. The dusting. That's it. That's just to get rid of like split ends, and it's only supposed to leave dust on the ground. That's it. Tear dust.
SPEAKER_02Did you uh wash some of that dye out of your beard last night? Did a lot come out?
SPEAKER_03No, I didn't do it yet. I wanted to wait, let it set for a little bit longer, and I'm gonna take a shower tonight and you know clean it all up and shit, see what it looks like all straight and nice. Dude, okay. I got a question for you. When you're pulling in and you're gonna back into a spot on your right hand side, but you have to turn left to back in, right? You gotta turn to your left so that you can angle right and back in. Do you turn your blinker on to say that you're gonna go into that spot?
SPEAKER_02I normally do, yeah.
SPEAKER_03How do you do that though? Because if you turn your blinker on, you turn to the left, it's gonna turn off, and then it's no longer blinking, and then you're just backing up.
SPEAKER_02Are you parking? You said you're parking to the le on the left spot, or are you parking on the right spot?
SPEAKER_03I'm parking on the right spot, but you have to kind of angle to the left. You know what I'm saying? You're straight, here's your spot. You don't just go straight and back in, you kind of angle to the left and then back in. That's the proper way.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean I guess if I guess if I'm trying to park on the right side, then I would put my indicator onto the right and just kind of swing out and some and well, I guess you're backing in.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I'm backing in. So why would you put on your bleaker?
SPEAKER_02Put a bleaker into the onto the right, just to let them know that hey, there's a spot open on the right hand side. I plan on turning into this spot.
SPEAKER_03Some old lady was inside my anus. Like I went to go turn to the left, and then I turned on the reverse in reverse, and she was right there. So I didn't see her, so she came flying up behind me, you know, because I looked in my mirrors before I even went to do that because I don't like when people have to wait for me to back up. I would have just continued into the spot instead of backing in, right? So I fucking hit the reverse lights and she's right fucking there, and I was like, what the hell? So she stops and then I just back in, and then she looks at me and she's like shaking her head because she wanted that spot or whatever. I was all like, yeah, what the fuck? I thought like you were inside my ass in the parking lot, and you came out of nowhere. And she's fucking pissed off at me, yeah. Because like I can I could barely see I could see her light bulb in her fucking headlight. Yeah, that's how close she was to me, out of like again, nowhere, because I always look behind me because I have a pet peeve of not I don't like when people are behind me and I'm trying to back in. Which is this is the exact reason why, because of what happened today. Oh, I was fucking mad. I yelled at that bitch. She yelled at me first, you know, and then I was all like, Well, if you weren't in my ass, you this wouldn't be a situation. And she's all like, well, if you use your blinker, she's like, Well, if you used your blinker, I was like, that's what reverse lights are for. Because I was backing in.
SPEAKER_02I personally, yeah, I do. I normally use my blinker to let someone know that I'm either gonna parallel park in a spot or I'm gonna park in a spot on the on the left-hand side or the right-hand side, whichever side I'm doing it.
SPEAKER_03It's probably the correct thing to do, but in my mind, I was thinking, I'm I'm turning to the left. Why would I turn my blinker on to the right when it's just gonna shut back off because I'm turning to the left? So that I can back into the right.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I don't know.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna have to do some testing though.
SPEAKER_02I guess it would, it would, it would it would give people a chance to stop and give you space. Yeah. That's what I do. And anytime I see someone using their blinker on a left or a right, I'll slow down and give them space because I'll uh I'll just assume that they're either slowing down to turn left or they're gonna park in a spot on the left. So I always just leave space.
SPEAKER_03I mean, there was space. There was space until there wasn't. I will accept that I probably should have used my blinker, but she shouldn't have been into my ass. Yeah. Anyways, that shit pissed me off this morning. Did you get it?
SPEAKER_01No. It hurts though.
SPEAKER_03Fucking hurts though. I hate those ones. I finally swept up all the fucking like rubber matting. Not all of it, but most of it that's been laying around in the garage that slinky fucking destroyed. Asshole. I finally swept it up.
SPEAKER_02You know what you didn't do?
SPEAKER_03What?
SPEAKER_02You need to take pictures of that scrap.
SPEAKER_03God damn it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, because Rita said that her brother probably could come and get it.
SPEAKER_03Oh scrap. Exclamation point. It's literally right there, I'm staring at it. I bet I could just take a picture of it right now, huh?
SPEAKER_01Oh good.
SPEAKER_03Let us go. Now it's windy.
SPEAKER_02So it was nice today, just perfect weather. Where I could just put on a fucking just put on a hoodie. Just have my shorts on.
SPEAKER_03I always wear a beanie though, like I don't know why. I just feel comfortable. It makes my beard accented or it looks good or something. I don't know.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. No, it makes sense. Accentuates.
SPEAKER_03There you go. Accentuates the beard. Hey, Slinky. What do you enjoy? That's the wrong end.
SPEAKER_01Hey, buddy.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's just it's nice and sunny out. There's a slight breeze. I think it's supposed to get up to like 78 again or something. It's nice. Yeah, it's noise out. Come here, Slinkers.
SPEAKER_01Good boy.
SPEAKER_03You had trouble today, didn't you? Didn't you? Because you was outside the gate again. Terd. So what are some of those news articles that you sent me? You've been sending me news articles lately, but I haven't been writing them down because I didn't have my notepad with me.
SPEAKER_02Um, I don't know. Let me open it up and find out.
SPEAKER_03Me and Aaron have talked about some stuff, but I forgot to write it down again because I didn't have my notepad with me. On the weekends, I'm kind of bad about having my notepad. I feel like because my schedule is regular, Monday through Friday, you know, picking up autumn or taking on the school, hanging out, picking up autumn, doing this. You know, I keep keep my book with me within reach. I mean, sometimes I forget on the weekends.
SPEAKER_02Uh let's see, one I sent you, one on Saturday. It was essentially the video about um, I don't know if it was real or not, but the guy hold on. See if I can share my share my screen here. Oh no, I don't think I can. Anyway, it was a video of uh that shooter at that White House Correspondence Dinner. Uh uh the cop that kind of followed the guy into a room, the dog was there, and then essentially it looked like they they let him let him run out of the room. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So I don't know if that was an AI video or what a lot of claims that it was an AI video.
SPEAKER_03Probably. Probably. There's uh there's autumn is really good. She like prides herself on detecting if videos are AI generated or not. So if she watched it, she could probably tell me. I'll probably I'll have to remember to show her when I go to pick her up from uh from the school house, the school house, I mean. Yeah, she's always like, yeah, hands and stuff will be weird, teeth, you know, sometimes be weird. Animals are hard for them to mimic and stuff, so they'll be like less detailed and stuff. I'm all like, oh. Yeah, I watched it.
SPEAKER_02Pay attention, pay attention to background stuff as well.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, because I was watching, I think it's something that you you sent. Did you send with an old man or whatever? Uh no, at work, they sent it at work. It's AI videos of this British dude talking about eggs and stuff being bad and good because of America or chicken breasts. It was chicken breasts that are bleached, that are not all bleached. It's like less than 9% or some shit of fucking chickens are bleached with bleach in America. The rest are done with vinegar, but whatever. Um, what do I know? Uh, what was I going with this? Oh, and so it was a it was a very convincing video talking about the fucking chicken breast differences. One looked like all pink and stuff, and that was the European one, and then there was one that looked all white and stuff, and it was bleached. But then in the background, if you look really close, the pricing was all like 99999 44444 66666. You know, there wasn't actually any fucking pricing in the background. And then they showed another video with the exact same dude, and his British accent is completely fucking gone, and now he's talking about the difference in eggs and stuff. It was fucking crazy. Yeah, it is all AI generated.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I hate that shit. This shit is I mean, it's a it's a amazing thing that is happening, but man, if you can if you can put some very convincing fucking videos out there.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it could be used for bad easily as much as good.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Easily spread disinformation.
SPEAKER_03Exactly. Exactly. And that video that you we don't know for sure, right? Or did a lot of people saying it's AI?
SPEAKER_02A lot of people are saying it's AI, and then some people were saying it was real. So it's like, how do just as many people said it was AI that it said it was real? So I was like, how do you how do you know? How do you know if something's real?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you'd have to get expert or something to be all like, yeah, this was generated not by a camera or something else. This was generated via the ether.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah, but then people that are that good work for fucking government agencies, and of course the government agencies are just gonna cover that shit up.
SPEAKER_03Oh, for sure. For sure. Fucking government. I love the government, they pay my fucking paycheck, but fuck the government.
SPEAKER_02What was I listening to today? I was listening to another podcast called Redacted.
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_02And it's uh No, it's pretty good. Uh and I'm giving it away.
SPEAKER_03No, I'm not redacted. I mean good, like as in like as in uh oh, like what what is the shit that these guys are into?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and uh one of them was on Edward Snowden. And that whole thing, I was like, man, that's a very interesting, veteran, very interesting story about who he was, how he joined um joined the military, and then got out as an analyst and all the things that he did. It's like hmm he was blowing the whistle on the government monitoring phone calls and internet streams and data packets and all the shit without people's consent. And then I was thinking to myself, like, I don't I don't care. I'm not doing anything illegal, I'm not doing anything fucking suspicious. But on the other hand, what at what to what extent to what extent am I gonna say uh you know what that's enough?
SPEAKER_03Like at what point this is the way I look at it, because I always thought about it, I don't care and all that stuff too. But listen, what do we look at where do we watch most of our porn these days? Porn? Yes. And on our phones, on our phones. How many, how many I'm gonna be quiet. I don't want to yell this while some of my neighbor is rolling by. How many how many motherfucking dick pics does the goddamn does the government have of me fucking jerking off of fucking porn hub on my phone? You know what I'm saying? That's that's where I'm thinking, you know what I mean? Not so much like I'm doing anything illegal or whatever else.
SPEAKER_02So that's that's a difference. Like that's one that's somebody blackmailing you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but they could. Because of what they're looking at.
SPEAKER_02For what reason? I don't I don't know. Get me to stop smoking. That's what I'm saying though. Like, I don't if they want to fucking watch video of me fucking cranking my hog, then I don't fucking I don't care. Mine's more like kind of watch it.
SPEAKER_03Mine's more like cranking the piglet, but go on.
SPEAKER_02But like, whatever. They gotta torture themselves by watching me, one and then two, trying to blackmail me. And I'm just gonna be like, so what? Release the fucking video. I don't care.
SPEAKER_03I don't know. I I got children that don't want to see that shit.
SPEAKER_02I don't give a shit.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I don't know. I guess I don't either, but at the same time, I guess I do. I don't know.
SPEAKER_02But like I'm not I'm no one important. So the chances of them being like, oh, there's this random guy here that we have video of him fucking beating his meat. Well, I mean, I don't that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_03Like maybe what they want the last maybe they want the last $50 in that checking account. I don't fucking know. You want the last $50? That's all I got.
SPEAKER_02Here. No, but like I I just don't care.
SPEAKER_03What if somebody wants slinky and they decided to fucking blackmail me for slinky? I mean, obviously the videos are getting released, and nobody's getting slinky. I'm just saying, if they wanted to, then my fucking jerk off videos are gonna be on the end.
SPEAKER_02But amongst amongst billions and billions and billions of other fucking videos that are on there, no one's gonna fucking Google Ian Regan sex tape or Ian Regan jerk.
SPEAKER_03No, somebody's gonna put in their ginger jerks off and fucking it's gonna pop up as me. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Oh that you don't think of these things?
SPEAKER_01That's what I'm saying. Like if they I don't care enough.
SPEAKER_03I'm not caring either. I I'm just playing devil's advocate here, like because you were saying like the criminal thing and all that. Well, we got nothing to worry about there, but something I was just thinking, I've thought of in the past before is damn, I wonder if a government's watching me right now. Because it was during Obama, it was during Obama's tenure whenever I was thought of that shit.
SPEAKER_02You see some very disturbing faces.
SPEAKER_03Oh god. Oh, jeez. And then fucking ruining it because I was thinking of Obama's watching me in mid.
SPEAKER_01God damn, thanks, Obama.
SPEAKER_03Fucking Obama. Thanks, Obama. It is your fault. I knew it this whole time.
SPEAKER_01Oh fuck.
SPEAKER_03No, he's such a good boy. He went a down to lay on the floor. Bro, she's out there in the sun panting her face off, but she loves sunbathing.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I saw this um I took Asher up to the park after we ate. He was practicing more on his bike, and there was a guy that was walking his dog. It was a Kane Corso and Melon Mel Melanese, Melanoir, mix? Melon Melanois.
SPEAKER_03Melanoir? Potato?
SPEAKER_02There it is.
SPEAKER_03There it is. There's the bark this episode.
SPEAKER_02It's a type of shepherd.
SPEAKER_03Maltese?
SPEAKER_02No, Melon Melanois. Melanoir. M-A-L-I-N-O-I-S. Melanois.
SPEAKER_03Melanoise.
SPEAKER_02Melanoise.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's a German shepherd.
SPEAKER_02It's a short hair. But it was a cross between uh Ken Corso and uh and one of those shepherds. Millanois. Millanois?
SPEAKER_03Millinoise. Somebody correct us. Damn, that's a big ass bird fucking flying down. I think it's a hawk or a buzzard. It's fucking huge. I thought he was gonna land on the neighbor's roof. Sorry, I got distracted. He's gonna take Slinky. No, he's not. I'll fucking fight a bitch. Where is Slinky? Slinky's not where I thought he was. Thank you! Alright! Okay, never mind. I see you, buddy. He's under the roof of the house still. He's over there chilling, and there's like he's in the grass right there where that uh down spout is, right there at the very edge of my garage. Yeah, that little grass spot, he's hiding right here. He's right there in the grass, like sleeping. He literally looked up, like, what bitch?
unknownWhat?
SPEAKER_03Oh, he's trying to fucking sleep, what? It ain't time to go yet. He's like, it ain't 320 yet. That's when I wakes up, go pee, and then we leave. That's when we leave to go get autumn. I said leave. I'm sorry, my bad dog. Roxy's like, what?
SPEAKER_01What?
SPEAKER_03It's time to leave.
SPEAKER_01I wanna go.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. They didn't go this morning because I got mad at Slinky being outside the gate. So I was all like, that's it, Roxy. You didn't tell him to not leave to get outside the gate. You didn't tell him to come back, so you ain't going either. Fucking big dumb bitch. I'm gonna take them this afternoon, though. They've been good. They've been good doggies. Huh. So you I I got interrupted by that buzzard, or I interrupted you with that buzzard. What the fuck were we? Talking about? What were you talking about?
SPEAKER_02No idea.
SPEAKER_03He's talking about Asher and the dog with the Melanoir.
SPEAKER_02That was it.
SPEAKER_03Oh, that was the end of the story?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that it was I just said that I saw a a cross between the Can Corso and the Melanoir.
SPEAKER_03Was it pretty?
SPEAKER_02It was fucking beautiful. Yeah, beautiful. It was like a dark, it was a dark Brindle.
SPEAKER_03Like Broxy.
SPEAKER_02Darker than darker than Roxy.
SPEAKER_03Ooh, really? Yeah. She does have a she's like her base is dark.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But then she has a lot of the pink color white stripes, whatever you want to call it.
SPEAKER_02Think of the brown, the brown that she has. Black? And then the so then it was like black, brown, and orange instead of brown, orange, and like a lighter tan.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So like a shade darker, if you will.
SPEAKER_03Did he have pointy ears or was his ears still floppy?
SPEAKER_02Ears are still floppy.
SPEAKER_03Nice. See, I like I like I know that a lot of people are like, well, they don't look like a king torso if their ears aren't cropped, blah, blah, blah. But they look like a lab. I'm all like, yeah, they may look a little bit like a lab, but they ain't no fucking lab. So make that mistake. Go ahead.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Not buying, I'm not buying the dog to be fucking cute. I'm buying the dog to be fucking protection.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, exactly. You know? And I'm not trying to make him look cool and fuck up his ears and shit either, you know. I'm not saying that people that do it are fucking up their dogs. That's just like I just personally don't. I I like to crop the tails though.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03They're like fucking spear, blunt spears. Bendy blunt spears. Like whips.
SPEAKER_02Bailey's tail was like that. Bailey fucking took out everything with his tail. And he didn't it didn't it didn't faze him at all.
SPEAKER_03No, see, and Roxy's nub wiggles so fucking fast that I know that her tail would have been a weapon. But I got her and she was already her tail was already snipped anyway. Is it cropped? Tails cropped? Is that what it's called? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Docking.
SPEAKER_03Docking. Tails docked. Cropping his ears.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah, I um I mean you gotta know. You have to know someone is about to have puppies before you be so you can request, hey, don't dock the tail or crop the ears.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Otherwise, you know, you could find them and it's already too late. They already have the ears, ears cropped in the tail dock.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I found Roxy on Craigslist before we got Shifu. And then before we got Slinky, because I was looking at getting another King Corso soon before we got Slinky. Um I found another one on Craigslist, so I almost was gonna pull the trigger on getting that one when when Slinky fell into our laps. So, but eventually, I'm gonna want to get another King Corso because Roxy's already turning out to be turning five this year, and King Corsos don't live to be past ten very often, you know. So I'm gonna have to get one so that she can train him up, train him or her up, you know. I'd like to get another male, I think. I think I'll get a male this time, just because having to leave her outside for lady time and stuff like that was kind of poopy. I didn't like doing that and stuff, you know. But I also didn't want to get her fixed. I'm like afraid to lose a dog or something for some simple surgery. Like I know somebody recently that just lost a close family member that was going in for gallbladder surgery. And now that person is gone because we don't know yet, but yeah, that's shitty. Yeah, you know, and I worry about that kind of thing happening to the dogs going down for like Slinky needs to get his tooth pulled and needs to get his testicles taken. But I'm like, I think that's the reason why I'm afraid to do it, is I'm afraid the anesthesia will take them.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You know, because that would be my guess of what happened to this person, you know, is it had to be an aversion to anesthesia. You don't just lose somebody for gallbladder surgery for nothing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Sorry to uh end it on that bad note, guys, but that's uh that's all the time we got for tonight. So I hope you guys have a good one. Take care, stay safe.
SPEAKER_03Be safe, make good choices. Bye.
SPEAKER_02Bye.